The Abbey: Meet The
Monks of Ann Arbor Abbey
No tour of Ann Arbor
Abbey is complete until you've met the Monks of Ann Arbor Avenue and heard
the amazing, true, inspirational stories of their lives. Read on and learn
how this intrepid band of culinary cutthroats are inspiring a new generation
of gifted youth to forgo their gifts and drink their way to Heaven.
of the Ann Arbor Abbey and perhaps the abbey's greatest natural
born liar, was born in the shadow of the Taj Majal in 1872 at the
age of 3. His father and mother donated him as a tax write-off to
the Fraternal Order of Brewers Minor when still a young boy. Reports
on his early days in the Order range widely. In one tale, he intoxicated
an entire flock of southward migrating geese when he miraculously
changed the Aral Sea into porter for two days. Another darker story
insinuates he played a role in the fiery destruction of the Great
Sanctuary at Snowville Abbey. No one knows the whole truth about
this strange figure, but then, no one actually cares much either.
In 1993, Abbot
Athos came to Ann Arbor Abbey seeking, in his own words, "a
handout, not a hand." He loves animals and his hobbies include
wearing goldfinches, cataloging dermal conditions, underwater luge,
combing wolves, spontaneous human combustion, and colorblind Twister
(the game). His turnoffs include time, the persistent physicality
of things, the color gray, and feet.
Master Brewer, Olde Pyehole (also known as Ye Olde Pyehole) was
born in the Scottish highlands in 1643. His father had very long
fingers and his mother worked for a notorious cheese maker. His
brother, George Pyehole, went on to become the Duke of Clarence,
and was later drowned in a butt of malmsey wine.
In 1996, Olde
Pyehole came to Ann Arbor Abbey to start a traveling mime troop
and "learn to eat slower." The sound of one hand clapping
often keeps him awake for minutes at a time. He loves animals and
his hobbies include underwater spelunking, luge, unassisted flight,
and knitting sweaters from wolf yarn. His turnoffs include the color
mustard, barium, the number 47, and cleaning up cat vomit.
was born. His father once met Eartha Kitt and his mother was Eartha
Kitt. He has no brothers, one of whom was named after Asteroid 1967-12B.
In 1997, Brother
Cormier came to Ann Arbor Abbey seeking a ride back to his place.
He loves to eat animals and his hobbies include door-to-door encyclopedia
collection, dogsledding to work, home fusion, dental hygiene, and
the Captain Marvel/Isis Power Hour. His turnoffs include fuzz, the
Whig Party, Denny Tario, objects at rest, and objects in Motion.
arrived on this planet in the first century B.C. His father owns
France and his mother smells nutmeg. After many long years of arbitration,
he is no longer related to Adolph Coors, though his single sibling
Pat believes Whiggy is the Oracle of Delphi and continually petitions
the Greek government for free Ouzo and Olives.
In 1998, Brother
Whiggy came to Ann Arbor Abbey to earn a little extra pocket money
as "The Maid," but his career was cut short due to a union
dispute. His favorite book is entitled, "Lesbian Mimes Break
Silence." He loves everything and his hobbies include black
rage, nude cycling, cultural revolutions, hay, and ignoring gravity.
His turnoffs include the spoken word, cheap imported rebar, yesterday,
A child of multiple
Nobel Laureate sperm donors, Brother Lumpkin's mother's "delicate
condition" lasted nigh unto 13 months. 63 siblings survived
to swim upstream and spawn.
In 1998, Brother
Lumpkin claimed sanctuary at Ann Arbor Abbey whilst fleeing a torch-wielding
mob of lemurs. Often referred to as "the Paul McCartney of
Ann Arbor Abbey," Brother Lumpkin loves people (except children).
His hobbies include ham origami, Turrette's Syndrome, flamenco dancing,
and parthenogenesis. His turnoffs include: the letter " ", Marcel
Proust, causality, and retsina.
Born in the
12th century B.C. in the alpine swamps of what is now extreme western
Lichtenstein, Brother Galore is purportedly a son of the titan,
Enceladus. His mother, the well-known makeup artist "Fuzzy,"
currently stars as TV's controversial "Tinky Winky," and
infrequently works as a stunt double for U.S. Senator Jessie Helms.
In the summer
of 1998, while spear fishing for clams in his small coracle, Brother
Galore was caught up in a terrible storm and presumed lost at sea.
When he washed up on the steps of Ann Arbor Abbey, the monks quickly
recognized his dual talents for drinking and juggling and inducted
him into the Order. He loves vicious people and has has one lifelong
hobby --fashioning mirkins from the pelts of small, wild animals.
His turnoffs include watching later seasons of The Thundercats,
mirkins, dew claws, and nine out of ten Parisians.
A native of
Rapanui ("Easter Island"), Brother Wog claims to be the
inventor of Edam cheese, though he is a strict macrobiotic vegan.
His father was over eight feet tall and his mother was famous in
her day for cooking several visitors at the Chicago World's Fair.
Brother Wog has 237 sisters named Gretel and his brother, Hansel,
is missing and presumed bread.
high mechanical aptitude first brought him to the attention of the
monks of Ann Arbor Abbey. He arrived in the summer of 1998, expecting
to enjoy his "free skiing vacation," and has been held
as an honored prisoner ever since. He loves all varieties of soil,
especially dirt, and collects it voraciously. His turnoffs include
the Marquis de Sade, iceberg lettuce, 6:15 A.M., beanie babies and
other crimes against humanity.
formerly of the Yukon Territory of Canada, is a long-standing member
of the Order of Brewers Minor and a descendant of King Phillip II
of Spain. In spite of this heritage, he holds a deep distaste for
"that horrible dago food." His father immigrated to the Soviet Union from Madrid
in 1931, where he met his mother while both worked at a guano farming
collective. Brother Moose has no siblings, but over 100 pets from
fifteen genera live with him in his monastic cell.
In 1999, Brother
Moose came to Ann Arbor Abbey after Whitehorse Abbey discharged
him due to olfactory concerns. He loves far too many animals and
his hobbies include feeding animals, bathing animals, cooking animals,
eating animals and choosing just the perfect beverage to have with
animals. His turnoffs include The North, snow, cold, tundra, polar
bears, and "that horrible dago food."
was born in 1348 in the upper branches of a massive baobob tree,
but was quickly abandoned by his three parents due to their embarrassment
over his bizarre, unusually tiny feet. His father directed a dyspeptic
cabal of clandestine obstetricians and his mothers grew triticale
for the local brewing cooperative. Eschewing his grainy childhood
at the age of five, Quintus spent his early years as a mathematical
idiot savant for a Portuguese bookie running numbers for the Cirque
de Porque. Unfortunately his unforeseen inability to perform long
division cut short his career, and the persnickety swine handicapper
pummeled him with a brickbat.
The Treaty of
Tordesillas led him to abandon Portugal for the New World, arriving
at Ann Arbor Abbey in 1495. Sadly as no one opened the monastery
doors for another 498 years, he was forced to support himself as
a wigwam-to-wigwam hosiery salesman --a poor living, indeed. His
interests include collecting old wine bottles and portraits of Abraham
Lincoln, avoiding self-incrimination, quintessence, basketball,
brass quintets and concocting fruity drinks. His favorite monarch
was Carlos Quinto, his favorite Peanuts character is Five, his favorite
president was James Monroe, and his favorite Holy Father was Pope
Sixtus the Fifth.
"100 Percent Certified Mammal DNA" in the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
labs of Amish Clones, L.L.P., Brother Sohenso was artificially animated
in early 1999. Only mildly dangerous to adults and large animals,
this fully synthetic clergyman's press materials describe him as
"The spectacular progeny of the unholy marriage of modern science
and of one man's complete disregard for the sanctity of life!" (Since
Sohenso's introduction, his press agent's fees have tripled to $2.67
For this reason,
among many others, Brother Sohenso was warmly welcomed to Ann Arbor
Abbey as soon as the necessary releases were signed. He now inhabits
the part of the abbey glibly referred to by the other monks as "the
sideshow." There, he picks up hop and malt money by telling his
remarkable story to the many new tourists he attracts to the abbey.
Sohenso loves to speak, gab, chew the fat, place his soapbox on
his high horse, and otherwise talk (especially to mammals) and his
hobbies include extrapolation, veiled inference, parallelism, casting
aspersions, creating and debunking rumors, semantic evasion, and
adding that special touch of drama.
was born in 1969 in El Paso at the State Theater during the dusty,
west Texas town's first and only showing of Federico Fellini's "Satyricon."
Both of his parents were killed in the resulting riot and fire,
but the infant Pathos was saved from the inferno by an aspiring
country songwriter and avid Marty Robbins fan. Pathos lived with
this kindly but entirely doomed young songster until he was killed
only months later in a shoot out at Rosa's Cantina with a wild young
cowboy over a Mexican barmaid named Felina. Pathos was spirited
away during the gunfight by an old Commanche shaman named Four Rears,
who was himself killed in a bizarre rhubarb related incident in
Burlington, Vermont less than a year later.
This was to
be the pattern of young Pathos' life for the next eighteen years,
as successive guardians met death by flood, tornado, coyote, falling
safe, meteorite, exploding piano bench, soup, premature burial,
hurricane, ennui, Hanta virus, circular saw, sunburn, spontaneous
decapitation, shingles, base jumping, carbon monoxide poisoning,
sniper, rusty nail, involuntary organ donation, narcolepsy, and
cork. Brother Pathos joined the Order in 1999, and since arriving
at Ann Arbor Abbey, not a single monk has perished, though the abbey
remains on permanent death watch. Understandably, Pathos' interests
are almost entirely limited to brewing, modern Italian surrealism,
and snuff films.
Born in 1215,
Brother Flummox is bad juju. His long criminal career began while
starring in numerous way-off-Broadway productions of Shaft
and Superfly and culminated with his ground-breaking role
as "Bess" in the Chinese National Theater Company's silent
adaptation of the beloved musical, Porgy and Bess 2: Up Against
The Wall, Capitalist Swine! His subsequent flight from the Chinese
authorities, the original cast of Fame, the George and Ira
Gershwin Society, and Charlton Heston put a damper on his acting
career and led to a series of minor roles in Bulgarian television
soaps and two feminine protection commercials for Libyan TV, from
which he gained his unique insight into that not-so-fresh feeling.
only fugitive from justice, Brother Flummox arrived at Ann Arbor
Abbey in full costume for his guest staring role as "Maude"
in the abbey's simultaneous 1999 productions of Cleopatra Jones
Too: The Wrath, Transgender Love Story, and Wookie! As
a service to the thespian world, the monks had Flummox sealed in
carbonite and stuffed into a closet. Flummox loves motor oil, Chinese
soul food, a really good stint on the "growler," and designer-imposter
fragrances. He emphatically dislikes sticky things, ordinary things
and China, as well as culture, art and the French (who, as we all
know, can't brew beer to save their souffle-eating backsides). He
is still wanted in thirteen countries for his illegal dramatic experiments.
began his disastrous career in the psychic arts in 1992 at the tender
age of 14. His father, a failed gnostic salesman and cabana boy,
married his "life partner" in a ceremony at the Morning
Wood Chapel in thriving Crested Butte, Florida. Young Bluecher officiated
at the ceremony, dressed only in latex rabbit ears and hot pants.
The exact details of this ceremony are unclear, but we are told
that it is still considered legal in Utah and Guam. Young Bluecher,
having found his true calling, soon founded the Church of Special
Mysteries Incorporated, eventually selling franchises in Columbia,
Thailand, Utah and, of course, Guam.
found a home at Ann Arbor Abbey in 1999, just prior to the Apocalypse,
when he arrived to officiate at the third annual Krishnamurthy Drink-Off
and Rummage Sale. Being the only ordained monk that could drink
two glasses of "squeezins" while chanting "om na
vashi vaya" and balancing on an upturned clarinet, the monks
just had to have him and quickly purchased Bluecher's contract from
CSM, Inc. for twelve beaver pelts, a half-bushel of crushed pig
bones, and an ounce of Hallertauer hops. Bluecher enjoys hackysack,
fondling blue cheese, mule skinning, and "spare" change
which he often requests of Abbey visitors who become separated from
the daily tour groups.
a sinking basket in the Nile River in 1826, Brother Torgo is a multi-cellular,
twin-limbed mammal with no precise origin or purpose. The quintessential
Renaissance Man, Brother Torgo has failed at every endeavor he has
pursued, thanks to an unstoppable combination of apathy, bad breath,
and stunningly specific talents. Among Brother Torgo's failures
are such inventions as the Pudding Hat, Concerto for Shock Absorber
and Empty Shampoo bottle, and the Big Book of Gallstones. Torgo's
most spectacular debacle was his short-lived musical career. Egregiously
failing to recognize the American public's native inability to appreciate
irony, his debut as rap artist M.C. "Mastah" Niggabaita in 1999
was greeted with perfectly justified acts of retributive violence
against his person. At his single concert in Scranton, PA, the audience
hailed big beers, ballpark nachos, chairs, pieces of the floor,
and other audience members at the hapless, stunned Torgo for a full
To his credit,
Torgo invented the expression "Why Ask Why?" in 1934 while attempting
to seduce a busload of vacationing textile workers, one of whom
later revealed himself to be none other than Brother Whiggy, who
would one day introduce Torgo to the Monks of Ann Arbor Abbey. Later,
in 1962, Torgo was visited by several benign spirits from the world
beyond who revealed to him the meaning of life. Armed with this
knowledge, Brother Torgo put away his sock filled with Sterno
and took to the blessed bottle. His new hobbies of imbibing, guzzling,
and swilling naturally led him to join Ann Arbor Abbey in 2000 with
the express intention of drinking his way to Heaven.
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Brewers Minor Today!
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Monks of Ann Arbor Abbey.
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Last update: 29 August