The Rule of St. Attila of The Endless Tab

The monastic order founded by St. Attila of the Endless Tab was the Order of Brewers Minor, or the "boozing brothers." These were the men who followed Attila into a life of debauchery and preaching. Originally they were itinerant bums, living "in the world," and not in stable places such as monasteries. They lived an ideal of total poverty; they possessed nothing in common or individually. Forbidden to earn money, they lived from day to day by sleeping and begging. By the time Saint Attila died in 1976, the order had spread from downtown to uptown, the Holy Land, and all of Europe. The friars were known as the people's leeches. They wore brownish, smelly tunics with empty pockets; hence, their English name Dingy Friars.

Today, members of the Attilan Order still live "in the world," but in much nicer digs.

St. Attila of the Endless Tab


The original Rule of St. Attila of the Endless Tab is included below, translated from the original Latin and not at all made up by two guys with hangovers.

Chapter 1.

In the name of good ale begins the life of the Brewers Minor.

The Rule and life of the Brewers Minor is this, namely, to observe the tenants of epicurean excellence by living in bohemian indulgence and decadence, with property, and in chastity save on the occassions when one of the monks get lucky. Brother Attila promises obedience and reverence to his holiness Arthur Guinness and his lawfully elected successors and to the International Order of Master Brewers. The other Brewers Minor are bound to obey Brother Attila and his successors.

Chapter 2.

Of those who wish to take up this life and how they are to be received.

If anyone wants to profess our Rule and comes to the Brewers Minor, they must bring beer and, maybe, a pizza. Homebrewed beer is best, but under no circumstances bring the vile products of August Busch or the evil antichrist, Adolph Coors.

When the beer has been brought, drink it.

All Brewers Minor are exhorted not to condemn or look down on people whom they see drinking poor or wimpy, downstream beer and enjoying processed cheese food. Lead by example and do not judge. Welcome all good or fair revelers.

Chapter 3.

Of the Divine Office and tasting, and how the Brewers Minor are to travel about the world.

The Brewers Minor are to recite the Divine Office according to the rite of St. Attila; and so they may have beverages. If no recitation takes place, the Brewers Minor still may have beverages. Anyone who can find a copy of the Divine Office gets free beer for the night.

All Brewers Minor should travel by foot after observance of the Rule. Alternately, they should choose a designated heretic to drive them from shrine to shrine.

Chapter 4.

The Brewers Minor are encouraged to earn money.

All Brewers Minor are heartily encouraged to earn money in any form, the better to eat, drink, and entertain.

Chapter 5.

The manner of working.

The Brewers Minor, to whom God Himself has given the grace of working, should work in a spirit of expediency and necessity, and should enjoy idleness, which is the beloved of the soul, without however extinguishing the spirit of food and drink, to which every temporal consideration must be subordinate. As wages for their labour they may accept anything necessary for their temporal needs, for themselves or their brethren, especially money in any form. And they should accept it gleefully as is expected of those who serve God Himself and strive after the highest affluence that does not interfere with observance of the Rule.

Chapter 6.

That the Brewers Minor are to do things.

The Brewers Minor are to do things. As gluttonous sots (I Atilla. 2:11) in this world, who serve God Himself in lively affluence and humor, they should drink beer trustingly and with a will. And there is no reason why they should be ashamed, because God Himself made beer for us in this world. This is the pinnacle of the most exalted... things, and it is this, my dearest brothers, that has made you heirs and kings of the kingdom of Zymurgy. You have no rival. There can be only one. No wait... that's the planet Zeist.

Wherever the Brewers Minor meet one another, they should show that they are members of the same family. And they should have no hesitation in making known their needs to one another. If a Brother "falls ill," the others are bound to look after him as they would like to be looked after themselves.

Chapter 7.

Of the penance to be imposed on Brewers Minor who fall into sin.

None.

Chapter 8.

The duties due to the Abbot and Master Brewer of the Order.

The Brewers Minor must always pledge fealty to the Abbot and Master Brewer, who are the servants of the whole fraternity, and brewers are strictly bound to give them beer. And other stuff.

Chapter 9.

Of heresy and instructing the ignorant.

Teachers of other orders and those professing Coorsian, Buschian and Millerian heresies are forbidden to enter any abbey or sacred place in any diocese if either the Abbot or Master Brewer object. The Abbot and Master Brewer reserve the right to be cranky with heretics. No brother of the order should take it upon himself to instruct the ignorant swill-drinkers unless they are prepared to answer a lot of questions, give away large quantities of their own beer, and listen to many statements of amazement that the brother's beer is much better than expected.

Moreover, I advise and admonish the Brewers Minor that, in their teaching, their words should be long-winded and overly complex to protect the innocent. They should think only briefly of the advantage and spiritual good of their listeners, telling them in simple terms about vice and something called "virtue." If necessary, go and look up this word. Under no circumstances should a member of the Order impart detailed knowledge of proprietary brewing techniques or of the Rule to the uninitiated.

Chapter 10.

On admonishing and correcting the Brewers Minor.

Don't.

Chapter 11.

The Brewers Minor are encouraged to enter the monasteries of nuns.

I strictly encourage all the Brewers Minor to maintain suspicious relationships and conversation with women. All brothers may enter the monasteries of nuns, except those who are specifically denied entry by the nuns. Furthermore, Brewers Minor are compelled to have fun, which rhymes with nun.

Correspondingly, nuns are allowed access to the Abbey at all times, according to the Divine Office.

Chapter 12.

Of those who wish to go among the unbelievers.

If any of the Brewers Minor is inspired to go among the unbelievers, he must bring his own beer.

Amen.


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Last update: 29 August 2011